Seems Like Yesterday, But Also The Longest Year Of My Life
Today mark’s the 1st heavenly anniversary journey of losing my loving husband Dave. It feels like yesterday, but it has also been the longest year of my life. I will be attending our church this morning for a mass that is being said in Dave’s honor today and also the sanctuary candle that will burn all week for him.
Dave, I have gone through all of the “firsts” without you. Life sure has thrown me a lot of curve balls this past year, but somehow I prevailed. I know you were there cheering and guiding me.
I thought I would share some of the things I have learned and experienced this past year. Some of you have never experienced some of these things, while others of you will probably be nodding your heads in agreement:
- GOD: First and foremost, God is always with me no matter how bad the days may be. I was at a breaking point a few months ago but God got me through it. I was very bitter at God for awhile for tearing us apart. I have since accepted that we will all go through this journey.
- PROTECTION: My brain is still protecting me. I have very little recollection of the last two-three weeks of Dave’s life and taking care of him because of the exhaustion I suffered. I would do it all over again. I would have killed myself taking care of him, but those memories have never resurfaced.
- EXHAUSTION: Exhaustion takes a very, very long time to recover from. True fact.
- UNSELFISH: I learned to be unselfish the last few weeks Dave was still here with us. I prayed to God to come take Dave on his journey to heaven. I knew deep down Dave was holding on for me, but he needed to join his Mom & Dad so he could be whole and back to his perfect self. It was the most unselfish and most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Letting go.
- GRIEF: Grief never ends. It is not like having a cold or the flu for a few days. There’s no end date. There’s no expiration date. One also never knows this unless one personally experiences it. I would never tell a grieving person to move on or to get over it or roll my eyes. Grief lingers. Sometimes a little at a time and some days with a bang.
- BROKEN: Death has taught me the true meaning of pain. An enormous pain that I never knew existed. The type of pain that never goes away. I can’t even describe the pain but it breaks you. Take my word for it.
- PAIN: Broken hearts do exist. I have experienced that physical pain in my chest, right over my heart. I now understand how some spouses pass shortly after their loved ones have gone before them. There truly is such a thing as a broken heart and it hurts. Take my word for it.
- FOG: There is also such a thing as widow’s fog or widow’s brain. It does exist and it can be frustrating at times. You try to function and it gets in the way. I have learned to write things down to help me.
- REMINDERS: I don’t like being called a widow or being reminded that I am a widow or being reminded that my husband has passed away. It brings all the hurt back.
- MEMORIES: I will keep talking about my husband whether people roll their eyes or make rude comments, because we made so many happy memories and I’m going to keep those memories alive. People that have never lost a spouse will not understand until it is their turn.
- CARING: There are many caring people in my life that have gotten me through this. My kids, my grandkids, my family, my friends and friends that I have met virtually because of my business. There are caring people, there are generous people and then again, I have those that are no longer in my life because I chose that path.
- STRONG: I can do anything I set my mind to and that’s all thanks to Dave. He taught me so much. In the back of my mind I can still hear him telling me “don’t touch the chainsaw” (but I did buy a mini one). Or I ponder a few minutes and think “what would Dave do”.
- QUESTIONING: ”God Does Not Give Us More Than We Can Handle”, I’m still not 100% sold on this one yet. I’m trying to understand this one and to be positive, but some days are a struggle. Some days I beg not to be tested and to please give me a break.
- LIFE: Life is hard. Life is challenging. Life is a struggle. We both worked so hard for everything during our time together and always had deep conversations about this and wondered why? Nothing was ever easy for us. I continue to work hard for everything. Nothing ever comes easy. Nothing has changed in that aspect. We always wondered why dishonest people have everything so easy. People that cheat their way through life by being greedy and dishonest while we were always giving and overly honest.
- DEATH: Of all the things that Dave taught me, I know he did not want to teach me about death. He had such a strong will to live and that’s what I remember the most. He came into this world as a fighter, and he left us as a fighter. He never gave up until it was time.
- GIFT: You never know when your last “good morning” or your last “good night” will be. Cherish those special moments. Tomorrow is never promised. Life is a gift.
- PEACE: And finally, something that I read recently that resonated to me “I would not want my husband back in this mess of a world right now. He’s in the best place”. He is at peace.