Seems Like Yesterday, But Also The Longest Year Of My Life
Today mark’s the 1st heavenly anniversary journey of losing my loving husband Dave. It feels like yesterday, but it has also been the longest year of my life. I will be attending our church this morning for a mass that is being said in Dave’s honor today and also the sanctuary candle that will burn all week for him.
Dave, I have gone through all of the “firsts” without you. Life sure has thrown me a lot of curve balls this past year, but somehow I prevailed. I know you were there cheering and guiding me.
I thought I would share some of the things I have learned and experienced this past year. Some of you have never experienced some of these things, while others of you will probably be nodding your heads in agreement:
- GOD: First and foremost, God is always with me no matter how bad the days may be. I was at a breaking point a few months ago but God got me through it. I was very bitter at God for awhile for tearing us apart. I have since accepted that we will all go through this journey.
- PROTECTION: My brain is still protecting me. I have very little recollection of the last two-three weeks of Dave’s life and taking care of him because of the exhaustion I suffered. I would do it all over again. I would have killed myself taking care of him, but those memories have never resurfaced.
- EXHAUSTION: Exhaustion takes a very, very long time to recover from. True fact.
- UNSELFISH: I learned to be unselfish the last few weeks Dave was still here with us. I prayed to God to come take Dave on his journey to heaven. I knew deep down Dave was holding on for me, but he needed to join his Mom & Dad so he could be whole and back to his perfect self. It was the most unselfish and most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Letting go.
- GRIEF: Grief never ends. It is not like having a cold or the flu for a few days. There’s no end date. There’s no expiration date. One also never knows this unless one personally experiences it. I would never tell a grieving person to move on or to get over it or roll my eyes. Grief lingers. Sometimes a little at a time and some days with a bang.
- BROKEN: Death has taught me the true meaning of pain. An enormous pain that I never knew existed. The type of pain that never goes away. I can’t even describe the pain but it breaks you. Take my word for it.
- PAIN: Broken hearts do exist. I have experienced that physical pain in my chest, right over my heart. I now understand how some spouses pass shortly after their loved ones have gone before them. There truly is such a thing as a broken heart and it hurts. Take my word for it.
- FOG: There is also such a thing as widow’s fog or widow’s brain. It does exist and it can be frustrating at times. You try to function and it gets in the way. I have learned to write things down to help me.
- REMINDERS: I don’t like being called a widow or being reminded that I am a widow or being reminded that my husband has passed away. It brings all the hurt back.
- MEMORIES: I will keep talking about my husband whether people roll their eyes or make rude comments, because we made so many happy memories and I’m going to keep those memories alive. People that have never lost a spouse will not understand until it is their turn.
- CARING: There are many caring people in my life that have gotten me through this. My kids, my grandkids, my family, my friends and friends that I have met virtually because of my business. There are caring people, there are generous people and then again, I have those that are no longer in my life because I chose that path.
- STRONG: I can do anything I set my mind to and that’s all thanks to Dave. He taught me so much. In the back of my mind I can still hear him telling me “don’t touch the chainsaw” (but I did buy a mini one). Or I ponder a few minutes and think “what would Dave do”.
- QUESTIONING: ”God Does Not Give Us More Than We Can Handle”, I’m still not 100% sold on this one yet. I’m trying to understand this one and to be positive, but some days are a struggle. Some days I beg not to be tested and to please give me a break.
- LIFE: Life is hard. Life is challenging. Life is a struggle. We both worked so hard for everything during our time together and always had deep conversations about this and wondered why? Nothing was ever easy for us. I continue to work hard for everything. Nothing ever comes easy. Nothing has changed in that aspect. We always wondered why dishonest people have everything so easy. People that cheat their way through life by being greedy and dishonest while we were always giving and overly honest.
- DEATH: Of all the things that Dave taught me, I know he did not want to teach me about death. He had such a strong will to live and that’s what I remember the most. He came into this world as a fighter, and he left us as a fighter. He never gave up until it was time.
- GIFT: You never know when your last “good morning” or your last “good night” will be. Cherish those special moments. Tomorrow is never promised. Life is a gift.
- PEACE: And finally, something that I read recently that resonated to me “I would not want my husband back in this mess of a world right now. He’s in the best place”. He is at peace.
I Love You
I Love You More
I Love You The Mostest
May the peace of God which passes ALL understanding guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Hold onto hope. One day you will be reunited! Praise God,
Thanks so much for your comforting words Carol!
Wow. Such a wonderful tribute. Thanks for sharing this, as we all will share these reflections at some point. I took to heart the ” you never know when” and will think of you and pray for Daves peace and your comfort. God bless you Debbie.
Sue
Thanks for thinking of the both of us Sue!
This is beautiful and so touching. Thank you for sharing from your heart with us.
So beautiful and honest, bless you.
We keep those with us by talking about them, their life and what they mean to us.
Keep talking 💙
Thanks Liz!
Thank you for sharing this, Debbie. Much of what you said resonated with me. The worst part of getting older, is all of the losses we suffer. You are handling yours with grace and dignity, through all of your heartache. I admire you for that. Always in my prayers, for God’s sheltering love to get you through.
You are so right Lisa!
Christmas this year will be 3 years since my husband passed and it does get easier as time goes on, you never forget as you have all your memories made together. And yes, there are so many FIRSTS, after one has passed but you get thru them too. Such a sweet tribute to Dave. You are doing the best you can at this time. Debbie, take care and I will put you in my prayers—Hugs, Donna
So sorry for your loss as well Donna. I’m doing pretty good so far even though the house is so quiet without Dave.
This was not only a wonderful tribute to your husband, Dave, but proof that God is with you and will always be there. It is always good to remember that there is no time limit on grief and you never have to apologize or fail to share a memory because of what someone else may think. You are strong, loving, and giving and that is enough. Blessings on you as you navigate your way in the years ahead.
Thank you Veronica. Writing helps me so much!
Thank you for sharing these beautiful thoughts. We are stronger than we think.
You are so right Carol!
You have fought and conquered many ‘firsts’ this year without Dave…your faith in God, family and friends have been and will always be here for you…my heart aches for you….you and Dave were always doing everything together…..but Dave is watching over you……God bless you Debbie…love, hugs and prayers
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Diane, thanks for thinking of me!
Thanks Debbie for sharing this uplifting story. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and wish you well. Be strong and God Bless You.
Stampin hugs,
Sue
Thank you so much Sue for thinking of me!
Oh, Debbie maybe you should start writing. You said all these things and although I didn’t lose a husband but a 22 year old child to suicide and some of the very things you experienced are some of the same feelings I have and still go through and it has been 24 years. You are right it never goes away. Don’t ever listen to someone if they say get over it etc. It gets easier to deal with and lets you live but it takes awhile.
Diana from WI
Thanks Diana, I actually have a friend that gifted me with a Letters To My Husband journal and I started writing in it on his 1st anniversary in heaven. I’m so sorry for the loss of your child. That must of been devastating as well. Hugs!
You write so well its what I meant above
This is so genuinely beautiful. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing from your broken heart. We all need to touch death so we can appreciate life.
Thanks so much Paulette!
It’s 11 weeks ago today 7/5/2022 that my husband Don went to be with our LORD.
It’s still hard to believe he’s there with JESUS and he’s’ in spirit. We were married 6 days short of 53 years. Don was gone before our anniversary but he and our daughter talked about getting me flowers for our anniversary. The day we went to the florist both of my daughters came with me. The lady came with a bowl full of tulips which I thought were from our daughters but read the note shortly after we got there. As I read the little card it read Love Don. Wow his love for me was so awesome. It hurts to not have him with me but watching Don suffer was very hard to watch. Haven’t been through many firsts yet but know that Don will be with me in a different way. I sure miss him. Thanks Debbie for your reflections as I feel the same way you do losing your husband Dave. Thanks for sharing.
It’s 11 weeks ago today 7/5/2022 that my husband Don went to be with our LORD.
It’s still hard to believe he’s there with JESUS and he’s’ in spirit. We were married 6 days short of 53 years. Don was gone before our anniversary but he and our daughter talked about getting me flowers for our anniversary. The day we went to the florist both of my daughters came with me. The lady came with a bowl full of tulips which I thought were from our daughters but read the note shortly after we got there. As I read the little card it read Love Don. Wow his love for me was so awesome. It hurts to not have him with me but watching Don suffer was very hard to watch. Haven’t been through many firsts yet but know that Don will be with me in a different way. I sure miss him. Thanks Debbie for your reflections as I feel the same way you do losing your husband Dave. Thanks for sharing.
Marcia, I am so sorry for your loss. It sure takes time to heal. I took care of Dave for 3 years and it took me almost a year to get over the exhaustion I suffered. It’s so quiet in the house. I had to have our beagle Ruger put to sleep 7 months after Dave passed away so the grief all came back and I cried for three days. I’m doing well but still have days I don’t feel like doing much. You are so blessed to have had that many years with your hubby. Hugs!
Debbie, sending prayers of comfort for you. The loss of a spouse is like no other loss.
I too have just gotten Thru my 1st year of firsts. My husband- Steve- passed on September 7, 2021.
We both were hospitalized with Covid, and he just couldn’t beat it.
Everything you wrote is so true.
Without God my kids, grandkids, and other family and friends, I would not have made it.
Praying you continue to fight each day
Debbie Rollins Kerns
Debbie, I am so sorry to read about the loss of your hubby. Your hubby passed only a few months after mine did. It sure is different without Dave. I am doing well by keeping super busy so my head doesn’t think so much. I hope you are doing well. Hugs!